Why do people connect with others through their pain? Is it because they feel someone understands their background? Do they feel they belong to an exclusive group of people? Or do they believe that because the other individual has endured the same or similar pain, they will not hurt you?
We just feel seen and heard, even validated when someone listens and resonates with our pain. We both have experienced the same … she or he gets me, I feel understood. Yet none of these connections will prevent you from any future disappointment.
I am not opposed to loving and creating a relationship with someone who has similar experiences. I at some point in time have experienced the same. It is not always a romantic relationship; it can also happen among friends and acquaintances.
It escapes my mind where I read it, but I recall reading about how connections based on each other’s pain lead to dysfunction in a relationship.
Here is an example: Jessica got divorced and years later she met a man, Jim, who seemed to be the ideal man for her. He was also divorced and had raised a child on his own. They both experienced betrayal in their relationship in different forms.
Jessica has a lot of resentment for the way she was abandoned and eventually cheated on while being left to be with her kids. She had fallen out of love with her husband but was committed to the family and would not imagine divorcing him.
Jim, in hindsight, was also in a loveless marriage, yet was also very committed to his family, especially the child. He acted loving and respectful to his wife. With time she began to be controlling. He felt unloved, used, and manipulated. He began to build a wall of anger, despair, abandonment, and resentment. He was betrayed by the lack of love and attention from the person he once loved and catered to.
When Jessica and Jim met, they got along well, and a few months later they began dating. But Jim felt insecure and felt that she would eventually turn around and change. She was triggered by his insecurities and feared being left alone, so she overcompensated with additional expressions of love.
I learned all this when they both came to me for help. They wanted to embrace the chance of a second love together, yet they were still bleeding from their old yet raw wounds.
The problem here is that they both asked me to help them heal their relationship when in fact they needed to heal themselves from the previous ones, independently. Most importantly, the healing had to occur independent of the goal of ending up as a couple.
The Healing Process:
The intention of a healing session or protocol is to help the individual align with their inner self to be healthy in mind, body, and spirit. Meaning that the person needs to let go of the story of their life and create a new one for themselves. This brings clarity and connection of who they are, emotional balance, and confidence into their life.
Working to connect people is going against their soul’s purpose, even if both individuals agree to the process. You may believe that by agreeing they are acting on their own free will, yet it is true, that it may not be the best and highest good for them. The ego may be at play here, and there is a divine order of events that needs to be yet is being ignored.
I ask that, in the beginning of their work with me, they do not do healing work as a couple. They both need to heal as individuals so they achieve healthy levels of self-love and self-worth on their own. Once this is achieved, they will naturally gravitate to each other or go their separate way without any discord between them.
The intention is that they find common ground in the relationship aside from the pain and sex.
What if I abide by their request?
A perfect relationship where past relationships are not healed yet becomes unhealthy when a spouse/partner starts showing signs of “thirst for love” and victimhood. This creates an imbalance in the couple as one is taking and demanding love, and the other is giving it freely, yet it is not received enough. One sits on edge waiting for the other shoe to drop and feels dismissed or not appreciated regardless of the love they receive. They see themselves as the problem, as it resonates with the past relationship and insecurity arises. When the expression of attention and love continues not to be recognized (effort not received) the relationship shifts and signs of manipulative frustration emerge.
Eventually, it takes a toll on the relationship unless there is true understanding, patience, and forgiveness from one of them. Otherwise, the relationship will end up in mutual resentment.
Going back to Jessica and Jim … I set them up for success (remember that success could be defined as staying together or not). I told them I was going to help them to be in alignment with their self-love which in turn will attract the right person. And if in the end, the right person is them then it would be celebrated, yet if they found it would not, it would be respected by both and naturally transition out of the relationship. When you are in alignment there is no force, just empowerment of the soul.
Effectiveness of the process:
Changes may show as you gradually release, but please Don’t expect 180-degree change to happen quickly. This thirst for love, recognition, and fear of abandonment has deep layers and you will find yourself facing old pain you did not even realize that you had. Inner child work is part of the process, yet it varies from person to person.
In my practice, I have seen how the ability to love is hindered by childhood pain related to the mother. Interestingly, I have had clients whose mothers left them with family members to go to work in a different country. In their minds the relationship with their mother was good, yet the energy of abandonment created a block in their ability to love. This discovery shocked them, as they did not feel abandoned. On the other hand, I have worked with clients whose mothers were present and involved, yet they felt unloved by the mothers. The circumstances vary from person to person, yet the way each of them responds to their experiences with the mother has impacted their personal relationships.
The healing will occur in stages. Each stage is full of amazing and empowering shifts, as the subconscious mind will expose just what you are ready to process at the time of the session.
The Take Away
Healing your pain in relationships (romantic or else) is to be done independently of any personal desire to be or have a good relationship with someone. Working on aligning yourself to attract the people that will contribute to your best and highest good in a relationship. If you feel that you need to bring someone into your healing, then follow Florence Schovel Shinn’s advice in her book “How to Play the Game of Life”. In it she says that you should intend to be aligned with the person in mind “or better.” This allows you to get the person you want or someone better to serve your highest good.
It opens the door to surrendering to God and aligning for true and purposeful connection.
About the writer:
Mari Méndez, is an energy healer and spiritual mentor. She has helped many people overcome the pain caused by the loss if a relationship, both romantic and personal. She works remote via Zoom or by Proxy. She can be reached at light@healingfirefly.com or by Messenger @lightuponhealing
Schedule a free call to explore your options: healingfirefly.as.me/connect
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